The velvet glove, could you comment/critique my poem?
an anaemic hand pleads with the hustle
but a missed train is far from worth it
a betrayed face is framed wispily
and shielded with quivering knees
for when the eyes of judgement linger
stepped over, around and sometimes on
the blanched child recalls the past
the milling people are like the trains,
some rush past, some stop only for a while
but to leave to an important destination
an outstretched palm comes forward
gloved by purple affluent velvet
the epitome of the social class,
in which most vile looks are thrown
he presents a defying sunshine smile
showing white teeth that his mouth caged
remembering ice cream on the beach
in one touch, ying and yang connect
with different thoughts they depart,
if only she’d been taught differently
as all that glitters may not be gold
I like the content and how your words evoke texture. As far as constructive criticism I think the rhythm is a bit faltering in the first part of the poem, you seem to get it going at L6 and then it carries me through the poem. You have many haunting lines, i.e. the milling people are like the trains/gloved by purple affluent velvet/ and my favorite line – showing white teeth that his mouth caged.
The word (?) “wispily” tripped me up.
“yin”
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